I Don't Want To Heal, I Want To Live

And how that mindset has held me back from both.

Not gonna lie, I’m not really feeling the motivation right now.

I just hopped off a TikTok tarot reader’s live (yeah, I know, maybe not the most reliable source for guidance) after asking if any positive changes were headed my way.

The answer? “Ehh, kind of, more so that you have plenty of ✨healing✨ on the horizon!”

Lovely…

I’ve been on a healing journey for about eight years now, and I’m trying to balance two perspectives simultaneously.

1. I’m grateful to have experienced all that I have because it’s made me stronger and wiser. I know better, I’m doing better, and I’m inspiring others along the way. That’s what has always mattered most to me.

2. I didn’t ask to be stronger and wiser. I didn’t ask for any of this, actually. I don’t want to have to be resilient. I feel like I’ve been stuck in the same place since 2016, so how resilient is that really? I’m just growing more and more agitated. I’m tired of centering my life, and at this point, my personality around healing and growth instead of just going out and experiencing life. I don’t want to care this much about healing; I want to travel the world, fall in love, jump out of an airplane, go out with friends, have kids, and do normal things like shopping and eating out without worry. I want to LIVE.

It’s not that I don’t believe I can do both. I have made substantial progress, and this energy of frustration is being transmuted into motivation to continue pushing forward. I haven’t been “stuck” this entire time. But sometimes, it still feels like it.

I recognize that now isn’t the time for me to acknowledge my growth. It’s time for me to sit with my grief.

This week, I walked out of therapy with a diagnosis I hadn’t seen before:

Prolonged grief disorder???

Honestly, I can’t even pretend to be shocked. I think I’m just used to telling myself to stop being so dramatic. What the heck is there for you to be grieving Jordan?

I’ve felt it for quite some time now. It’s why I’ve self-sabotaged, made excuses, and buried my feelings. Grieving the life I never had, the experiences I couldn’t change—it all hurt too much but I didn’t realize that until now.

I tried compartmentalizing everything so I could just enjoy my 20’s. But it turns out life doesn’t work that way. So now, I’m revisiting all the methods I’ve avoided, trying to be more consistent. But I’m tired. I’ve been tired for years.

It’s funny because looking back, I have expressed that a lot, and every time my mom will laugh because I have been saying it pretty much all my life.

Sometimes I’ll start to feel guilty because what do I have to be so tired of? But I guess it is the grief. Logically, I know that it can have an effect on your body, especially after a long period of time. It makes me ache, lose sleep, become nauseous and get incredibly irritated and overwhelmed. I’m constantly trying to keep that lack of energy from turning into a feeling of defeat.

I’m tired of the countless sleepless nights, of losing my appetite (and weight), feeling lonely despite being in the company of loved ones, and of constantly tugging on my earlobe to calm my tragus nerve. Yup, that’s what I was doing about half an hour ago before I started typing this.

I just want it to be over. I want to move on.

And now I’m realizing… this is why. This is why I haven’t healed, why my growth feels stunted, and why I’ve failed to be consistent all these years. I’ve been living with a serious case of FOMO, choosing fleeting moments of fun over doing the work to gain long-term happiness.

I dated all the wrong people, smoked away my worries, racked up debt, and avoided the therapy, coping skills, and medication I despereately needed. Then I found the nerve to wonder where it all went wrong. Well, I just answered that question…

This is the cycle I keep going through. It’s hard to show myself the necessary grace I need when I’m the one who put myself in this position. I didn’t ask for my life to be this way, but I certainly didn’t make it easier on myself either. Maybe that’s why I kept it going, maybe I didn’t feel like I deserved a better life. Maybe that’s not even a maybe.

One thing’s for sure, perpetuating this cycle of shame and blame won’t help. Especially because the thing I’m grieving the most is the relationship I could’ve had with myself. I could’ve had the life I wanted if I loved and respected myself enough to make the right better decisons. If I hadn’t listened to all the critical and shameful voices in my head.

I can keep repeating the same cycle, or I can do better. Simple choice, and I’m glad I’m making the right one this time. So, thanks for listening to my little rant. I’m off to go tug on my earlobe again and hopefully get some sleep.

Goodnight💛

— Jordan