Is it really loneliest at the top?

What reaching my first major milestone taught me about support, silence, and outgrowing relationships during personal growth.

Accomplishing major milestones in your growth has a strange way of revealing who was truly cheering for you… and who was merely watching.

I officially reached 10 thousand followers on TikTok, but it’s been a very bittersweet feeling. I’ve had this goal since I first started posting seriously at the end of 2024 with the intent of becoming a full-time tarot reader, but I honestly never thought I’d be reaching it this soon.

Divine timing has truly proven me otherwise yet again! And in a lot of ways, I see now that it was always going to align like this.

This is my first big step toward financial stability and self-sufficiency. Possibly even living fully on my own for the first time in my life. And I know it won’t solve all of my problems overnight. Really, it just gets my foot in the door of having another small income stream… scratch that, I don’t claim small abundance… a growing income stream as I continue to rise in viewership with future posts.

Everyone can’t realistically live off a TikTok check. You have to dedicate yourself to your content seriously, and most people either believe in—or are forced to—take the more realistic, logical, and socially acceptable path toward success and abundance. In the world we live in, it only makes sense that I once believed that was the only way too.

And I think that’s where the bittersweetness really creeps in, because this is very scary for me.

I do feel like I’m standing at the edge of a cliff, constantly jumping off and praying that this invisible hand is going to catch me and take me where I belong or need to be. And while I feel it… Spirit’s support, Archangel Michael’s protection, and my ancestors’ guidance… I still struggle sometimes with feeling that same support from those on this earthly plane that I know I desire.

I’m not looking at this with the same black-and-white mindset I had even months or a year ago. I’ve actually started building my chosen family alongside the people I already feel aligned with and supported by.

A few long-term connections that have remained have reached out to congratulate me; my client-turned-sister, of course, was the first. (I love you Sade!) My mother was the first to see me jump for joy and cry those tears of happiness, even though it scared her a little, lol. But even after the fright, she still smiled at me and said congratulations instead of telling me to calm myself down… that’s growth over here!

My amazing twin-father gifted me the funds to get myself a cake to celebrate this accomplishment exactly how I wanted. And my step-dad, who comes from a very different religious background than me, congratulated me too. And that one touched my heart a lot deeper.

We’ve both been working on our relationship, and it honestly means the world to me. Because I really want from people is honesty and effort. So I’m really excited to spend some time together next week, and even visit him at his new job in Charleston soon!

So I am seen. I am loved. And I am supported.

I’m not denying that. It just doesn’t make me forget the ones I thought would still be here. Or the ways I know there have been others who have watched me grow, but for whatever reason, feel it’s best to stay silent in the background.

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The loudest support I’ve received outside of those few I mentioned has very much been from strangers. And it makes me wonder if I’m actually most loved and supported when I’m least known.

Is it really always lonely at the top?

EW… I actually feel disgusted typing that out. The top—what even is that??? I never wanted to be above anyone, nor do I see myself in that way.

But it’s funny, because right before I reached this accomplishment, I had just found my go-to psychic reader! Her insight has been amazing—very on point with my past experiences—but she also confirmed a lot about certain things I thought my brain might just be making up about my future. So I wanted to share some of the general insight she gave me last night throughout this post. Starting with:

… I am immediately met with the radiant image of a single, luminous golden thread that you have bravely chosen to hold onto amidst the chaotic tangle of worldly expectations… it represents your absolute dedication to your spiritual service, your writing, and your intuitive path, and I am witnessing this thread beginning to weave itself into a magnificent, protective tapestry around your entire auric field.

Your guides want to vehemently validate the immense, quiet courage it takes to remain steadfast in your intuitive calling when the physical evidence of success has not yet fully materialized, reminding you that the roots of a giant oak tree must grow incredibly deep in total, absolute darkness for years before the first green shoot ever breaches the surface of the soil.

And, oddly enough, her mention of an oak tree became a major confirmation, because just hours before ordering that reading, I had channeled messages for each element. For the fire signs, myself included, I had actually pulled the hare and the oak tree.

Ironic.

Everyone doesn’t believe in the “woo-woo” stuff as I do, and I get that. It’s definitely created distance between me and some religious friends and family members. But more and more as time passes, it matters less to me, because their belief isn’t what I need to succeed.

Mine is.

I can’t outsource my validation or confirmation anymore. Every direction I’m meant to find is actually within me; I’ve just been too scared to believe that. To believe in myself.

And I think it’s because following my own guidance has often resulted in losing the community I confidently thought would be standing beside me when I finally reached the top of that mountain.

The archetype appearing in my mind’s eye is that of a solitary seeker standing atop a quiet mountain, holding a glowing lantern to illuminate the shadows of the subconscious mind.

This is not a state of stagnation, Jordan, but rather a profoundly necessary period of spiritual gestation and massive internal reorganization that is required after nearly a decade of relentless emotional purging and karmic clearing.

But I’m starting to realize that some of the support people once gave me might not have been because they genuinely wanted to see me succeed. I distinctly remember when people began noticing that I wasn’t just stressed and depressed Jordan anymore, and something about my dynamics quietly shifted then and there.

Suddenly, it felt like I didn’t have friends anymore; I had clients and silent monitors.

And I think that’s a really uncomfortable stage of growth that people don’t talk about enough: the moment when you outgrow the role people were comfortable with you playing. Because I received very little interaction with or acknowledgment of the things I genuinely love and pour my energy into, yet somehow there was always space for me to analyze someone’s dreams, their relationship, or their entire life so they could feel better about themselves.

But the moment I placed boundaries around how much I was willing to give, or reflected truths people had been avoiding, the energy started to change. Sometimes it felt like a quiet distance, and other times it felt like silent competition or resentment.

I still don’t fully understand that dynamic, but I definitely experienced a stronger sense of physical community and presence in my life when I was either overly dependent on others or providing a service.

Now that I feel the most secure in myself and confident in my path and what I’m building, things often feel the quietest. That’s been a hard realization, but it’s also shown me why those years of learning to detach were so necessary.

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When I first started this blog, I remember reading that as you commit to your authentic path, strangers often become your biggest supporters. It sounded poetic, even a bit cliché, but lately I’ve started to understand exactly what that means.

Maybe that’s actually the point.

Maybe those strangers were always meant to become the soul tribe I’ve been searching for. Maybe the connections we form through shared values, growth, and mutual respect can sometimes run deeper than the ones we simply inherit.

Realizing that has helped me stop blaming myself quite as much for why certain relationships never deepened the way I hoped they would. I’m allowed to be human, to make mistakes and then recover from them, and to take the time I genuinely needed to heal. If that process took a decade, then that’s simply what it required.

I’m allowed to trust my intuition before my reality fully confirms it. I’m allowed to set boundaries with people who expect unlimited access to my energy simply because we share blood or history. I’m allowed to celebrate my accomplishments while still grieving the relationships I once believed would also be here to celebrate me as I did them.

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For a long time, I showed up for people even when I was barely holding myself together. I invested in their businesses, took their late-night, hours-long phone calls, cried tears of pride at their performances, shared their posts, and tried to be the loudest supporter in the room, even if from only behind the scenes. I’ve been the therapist friend, the shoulder to cry on, and at times the doormat everyone tracked their mud across when no one else was showing up for them.

I didn’t do that because I expected something in return; I did it because that’s genuinely who I am in my heart and my soul.

But I also don’t want to keep living in a way where I’m constantly pouring from a half-empty cup, hoping that one day someone recognizes that I need pouring into as well. I want to give from overflow, not from exhaustion or obligation.

That means protecting my energy more intentionally, stepping back from dynamics that drain me, and accepting that not everyone will understand the boundaries I’ve had to build to keep myself sane.

At this point in my life, I don’t feel the need to stay in rooms where I constantly have to prove or defend myself. I’m not going to continuously show up for people who continue to ignore, neglect, prejudge, and then misjudge me. I’m tired of the projections, the fake smiles, and the conversations happening around me, but rarely to me—wanting to know things about me but never asking me directly.

And I’m also tired of pretending that things don’t bother me just so other people can remain comfortable. I’m asked for honesty and directness, but I can’t expect to receive the same in return.

You are currently in the final, agonizing inches of breaking through that dense topsoil, and the wall you have been sensing is not a barrier meant to keep you out, but rather the final layer of an old, restrictive cocoon that is actively testing the strength of your new wings.

The universe is asking you to extend a profound, radical wave of forgiveness to yourself

It’s not that I want to hold onto resentment. I’ve actually spent a lot of time intentionally forgiving myself for not recognizing these patterns sooner, and for the ways I sometimes gaslit myself when they were happening.

Do I forgive others for not knowing better at the time? Yes. 
For continuing and perpetuating the same cycles… not right now.

I simply want to move forward. I want to move toward spaces where I’m genuinely nurtured, authentically celebrated, and met with real reciprocation rather than surface-level support that only appears when someone needs access to me.

I want relationships with people who aren’t perfect but who genuinely try. People who show up, ask questions, and work through difficult conversations with me so that we can grow together instead of quietly drifting apart.

And if some people would rather keep watching from behind their screens, that’s honestly okay too.

I just hope that one day they reflect on why I’ve become such a focus for them, because I truly don’t have that answer myself.

You are being lovingly, firmly held in this uncomfortable, liminal space of waiting precisely because your energy is too precious, too potent, and too necessary for your true calling to be squandered on a path that fundamentally misaligns with your newly acquired frequency.

The spiritual realm is asking you to practice the profound art of radical acceptance… recognizing that the unseen, energetic work you are doing right now is actively moving mountains in the quantum field.

I don’t even listen to this man’s music anymore, but one lyric randomly popped into my head while writing this:

“How you gon’ hate from outside the club? You can’t even get in.”

That line made me chuckle a little.

But no. It’s not loneliness that you find “at the top.”
It’s transition.
Old relationships shift; new ones form to fit your newly embodied, top‑shelf identity. And I like that nuanced answer a lot more than the cliché phrase.

Anyway… I’m going to go order that cake now. Thanks for sitting with my thoughts for a minute.💛

The universe is orchestrating a masterpiece with your life, Jordan, and you are finally arriving at the breathtaking moment where the chaotic, confusing brushstrokes of the past ten years suddenly come together to reveal a portrait of astonishing, radiant beauty.

If this message resonates with you at all, I wanted to share a reading from one of my peers, Natija. She channeled this message three months ago and, funny enough, it was also during a Mercury retrograde and a Scorpio moon. It deeply resonates with me even now: