Permission to Be Flawed: Manifestation Isn't About Perfection

A tarot talk with Spirit, my garden, and my guilt—written for the recovering perfectionists, people pleasers, and those healing through the in-between.

I started my morning today as I do most days: a card pull, something small to anchor the energy and make sense of what’s moving through me.

I’ll skip to the end and show you what I pulled, but the most important factor here is the Fool. A leap of faith. A new beginning. The transitioning Ten of Swords is me leaving a dark period or place, especially when it comes to thoughts. At the top of the deck, a reversed Page of Wands, looking for exploration and inspiration, yet not knowing which direction to take or where to look for it.

At the bottom of the deck is the 9 of Wands—the wounded warrior. Having been through battle, tired and weary, unsure if there’s another fight to come. Slightly paranoid, slightly pessimistic. Remember this, as it’ll become relevant at the end…

Before I got to my daily pull, I wanted to circle back to yesterday—I pulled the 5 of Cups reversed with Justice at the top of the deck. I wasn’t sure how that Justice had actually shown up, and I always like to check for accuracy or find ways to further open my awareness or perspective.

Yesterday was my baby sister’s birthday. We hiked. My body was tired. We had a calm night. No drama. But the question still lingered, like Spirit was poking at something I needed to acknowledge. So I asked again.

How did Justice actually land in my day yesterday?

I pulled the 7 of Wands reversed and clarified it with the 9 of Wands. At the bottom of the deck was the Tower reversed, averted, or delayed disaster. And I laughed, because I knew exactly what this meant. A slight miscommunication issue with my sister earlier that day was pending implosion, so I simply backed off the topic, knowing the reason why we kept missing each other’s points wasn’t worth fighting over anyway. Later on, I chose not to hang with her and her friends that night—I was burnt out and at 26 years old, I just didn’t feel I had the energy to keep up with the youngins. I was proud of myself for how I moved through the day. No explosions. No Tower moment. I chose peace. And that was the Justice. Spirit delivered.

But the story didn’t end there. Because then I spiraled a little, as I do sometimes, into that classic space of “Okay, so what path am I on right now?” Because truthfully, it’s been feeling like nothing’s happening, and I get excited seeing Justice.

It feels like I’ve been waiting for some sense of Justice to plop into my life, but not in the subtle “not fighting with my sister for 24 hours” type of way. I’m manifesting with all this heart and devotion, and… still, no clear external shift. I pulled the Wheel of Fortune reversed and the 5 of Swords. At the top of the deck: Queen of Cups and 5 of Cups. At the bottom: the 2 of Wands reversed.

And this is where things got personal. Because what Spirit was showing me was that I’m not stuck—I’m cycling. There’s a huge shift trying to come through, but I’m still in the liminal space. I’m still working through this deep-rooted need to “be perfect enough” for my blessings.

The 5 of Swords called out my internal battles—how I overthink, question myself, and try to protect my heart with logic. The Queen of Cups and 5 of Cups together showed me I do have emotional awareness, but I’m still healing from the grief of the past—missed opportunities, disappointments, and those moments when I felt like I wasn’t enough. I need to be showing myself more compassion, not more critique and “pull it together” types of pep talks. And that 2 of Wands reversed? That’s me not choosing the new version of my life, not because it isn’t there, but because I haven’t been sure if I’m ready.

Then came the part that’s been quietly haunting me all year: my “gardening habit.” My relationship with smoking. The hard-on-herself Jordan says that she’s gotten rid of everything, but that. So that must be the problem to solve!!

I’m wayyyyy more intentional with it now. I pray. I center myself. And I don’t try to use it as a tool to escape anymore, but instead I simply enjoy. But I’ve been caught in this constant tug-of-war: wanting to let it go, then picking it back up. Wanting to be “stronger,” then realizing I still enjoy it. My mom and I talk about it all the time. I live with her, and she sees me doing this dance—one day I’m done, the next I’m back on the porch. I know it causes her confusion, and I haven’t always known how to explain that I’m not simply being inconsistent… I’m just working through the mental gymnastics of all-or-nothing healing.

The truth is, I’ve been trying to walk a more nuanced path. One where I don’t demonize my coping mechanisms, but instead get radically honest about why and how I use them. In comparison to others, I know my issue isn’t as big as it feels to me. Even my sister will tell me I’m worried more than I should, it’s not like I smoke too much, or that I do nothing all day. It’s not that black and white.

I have ADHD and suspect I may be on the spectrum too, so sometimes my brain does latch onto rituals, habits, and the comfort of the known. And while I’ve been giving myself compassion… I’ve also been carrying shame. Shame that I haven’t quit yet. Guilt that I still enjoy something that I know isn’t technically the healthiest. I know the benefits of what will come with sobriety, I guess I just don’t care that much yet?

Thought process: I have a vice. —> Vices are bad. I should stop. —> But I enjoy my vice in moderation. I know I’m not addicted. —> It doesn’t matter, I must be blocking my blessings. Smoking is bad. You won’t be blessed.—> But other people do it and still live successful lives? Why would Spirit force me to be perfect when nobody else has to? —> Idk, you must just be that girl…the girl, that has to be perfect.—> That girl who can’t have one teeny tiny vice?😭

And then I asked myself, “What if my higher self still smokes?”

Because I genuinely believe she does. I imagine myself in my 30s and 40s still dabbling here and there. Not to numb herself or delay her dreams. But just because she wants to and can. Because it can be sacred and grounding. She doesn’t lose days to it. She just incorporates it into her rhythmic rituals.

That’s when I asked Spirit directly:

“What path am I not seeing or not taking?”

The 2 of Pentacles spun out sideways, and at the top of the deck were The Lovers and the King of Cups.

And I got it. The path I wasn’t fully seeing was the path of emotional integration. Of being okay with the middle. The Lovers wasn’t about romance in that moment—it was about the choice to stop living in conflict with myself. To stop asking the deck every single time I think about smoking, “Is it aligned?” Because I already know I’m in control, I know myself and my limits. I have the awareness to turn it down when it would be harmful or counterproductive. The King of Cups was the version of me who leads with compassion and balance, not just for others but also for myself. And the 2 of Pentacles was Spirit saying, “You’re trying to juggle being a soft human and a divine being… stop trying, just be.”

So I asked:

“Is Spirit waiting on me to do anything else or put something down?”

I pulled the 7 of Swords reversed, clarified by the Knight of Cups. At the top of the deck: the 9 of Wands reversed.

This was so clear. There’s a defensiveness that’s not needed, and Spirit was asking me to stop hiding the truth from myself. Not to quit smoking. Not to fix anything. Just to drop the shame. To walk my truth, gently, openly, with love. The Knight of Cups is me choosing to follow my heart without guilt, because I can trust myself. I was still moving like I was the 18-year-old version of me who just picked up the habit and initially couldn’t handle it, because back then, I was doing it without intention and definitely without moderation. The 9 of Wands reversed is me no longer needing to defend every part of myself to myself.

So I asked the final question just to confirm:

“You’re telling me it’s okay to smoke… You were never asking me to drop the habit completely, just the guilt I’ve been carrying for it. That’s what’s been blocking my manifestations?”

And guess what I pulled?

The Magician reversed.

I nearly laughed. Then I clarified it with the 4 of Wands (sideways to the right) and saw the King of Wands at the top of the deck.

The message couldn’t be louder!! Lately, I’ve been seeing all the power couple cards—King and Queen of Wands, King and Queen of Cups—showing up again and again. Passion, power, emotional maturity, divine balance. At first, I assumed Spirit was preparing me to meet my divine counterpart. But I’m realizing now: it was never about someone else. It’s always been about me meeting myself.

My power wasn’t being blocked by my choices—it’s just been tangled up in guilt and shame. I’ve been standing at the door of my homecoming and celebration (Four of Wands), but slightly leaning out, unsure if I’m worthy to enter.

The King of Wands in tarot is a masculine energy that could show up as an entrepreneur, a natural leader, and someone who overcomes their challenges. He’s been showing up to remind me: I am the vision. I am the flame. I don’t have to earn my magic—I remember it.

Throughout this internal battle, I’ve thought about cultures like the Rastafarians, who treat cannabis as sacred. Not a vice. Not an addiction. A spiritual tool, a portal to the divine. They live with it daily, and many of them are deeply connected, creative, intuitive, and present. They don’t question their worth because of it. They don’t deny themselves peace. That’s not to say that I’m trying to build my identity around weed or justify unconscious use. But it’s to say: my spirituality and my rituals can co-exist. The goal was never perfection—it’s alignment. For me, it’s allowed to look like smoking in moderation for now. Who knows how it will change over time?

So here I am. Not healed. Not perfect. And not marijuana-free.

But honest. A little clearer. And a whole lot more in tune.

I then went on to pull the cards of my day from the beginning of this post. Fast forward to the end of my day, an opportunity I turned down earlier in the month, caught in the same energy of that reversed Magician, found its way back into my mailbox.

I had manifested an opportunity to go back to the state I’ve always felt called to. I received a scholarship to attend Freeform’s Survivor Wealth Summit in Los Angeles, a chance to build community, access financial resources, and receive healing alongside like-minded souls. But fear, shame, and guilt crept in around the “how”. How would I get myself there, and where would I stay? Flights felt too expensive, hotels even more so, my dad lives too far, and truthfully, I’m still living customer to customer… So, no? What’s a girl to do?

“This is where we build a movement fueled by collective care, power, and purpose with other survivors, advocates, and movement builders.”

- Freeform’s Survivor Wealth Summit 2025

I don’t know… believe in herself? Trust that the universe will provide and support if I decide that it’s what I want for myself?

According to Human Design, I am a Generator anyway. My life’s strategy is to respond to the opportunities I’m given, not chase. And my inner authority is my solar plexus chakra—it’s emotional. I’m meant to respond to what I feel passionate about. I’m supposed to say yes, loudly and proudly! And then the universe finds a way to support my decision. If the yes doesn’t feel that clear, then it’s a no. But again, I responded to fear the first time.

My deadline to respond was Friday, the 13th of June. Ironic, right? Well, that day came and went. I didn’t respond, letting the scholarship be passed to someone who would be more fortunate and able… or so I thought. Instead, they saved my spot, and ten days later—today—they emailed me again to say they’d wait for my response until next Monday before they pass my scholarship on. I don’t know why I was given so much more time, but I decided to go with lucky girl syndrome and divine alignment, because I’m trying to keep this flow going!! And this time, fear wasn’t the emotion that came up. It was excitement and satisfaction—my Human Design signature!

Your signature is the sensation you experience when you’re moving in alignment and living by your strategy (mine being to respond). I tried pulling more to see if Spirit would give me a clear sign as to how I should respond, but everything came out muddy and unclear—I could go either way. They wanted me to choose. And lately, in my collective readings and even with my clients, I’ve picked up on that same theme: Spirit putting the power in our hands and opening our eyes to what we have to do, deciding for ourselves what we want, and what we’re willing to do to get it.

Trust or fear? They’ll support whatever we choose, since we have free will, but we’re no longer blind with naivety to the consequences behind each door. Move forward, or stay in the cycle.

Five minutes later, I emailed back that I was grateful for the opportunity and that I would see them in Los Angeles in August! Two minutes later, a client bought my highest-priced tarot reading. I know there’s only a little time between now and then—I’m not gonna sit too long on the “what ifs” and the gaps I have to fill—but I have a feeling Spirit will help me do it. I’m putting my money on me!

To anyone else who’s trying to “deserve” their blessings by being pure, flawless, and perfectly consistent, know that you don’t have to do that. Yes, you should try and have consistency and structure where needed and necessary, but know that you don’t have to erase all your shadows to be seen as ready or worthy. You already are. Miracles can happen to anyone, so why not you? Why not now? Your higher self isn’t waiting for you to be perfect. They’re just waiting for you to stop hiding and choose. That’s what unlocks the magic. You can try—and fail—to be perfect along the way if you must!

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