Sacred Sunday: Attached to Love
Decoding the 4 main attachment styles and learning how to manage them within our relationships.
Ever wonder why some relationships feel like a breeze while others seem like an uphill battle?
In this post, I’ll be breaking down psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, John Bowlby's four attachment styles. This information will help you identify and understand the patterns that shape your relationships as it has helped me immensely with my own.
Whether you're looking to understand your partner better or make a shift from an insecure attachment style to a secure one, I’m here to guide you on this journey toward healthier, more divine connections. Let’s dive in!
What Is Attachment?
According to Very Well Mind attachment is defined as:
“a special emotional relationship that involves an exchange of comfort, care, and pleasure”.
Bowlby formulated the Attachment Theory after studying the effects of the bonds we create with our childhood primary caregivers. These bonds formulate the cognitive and emotional blueprints we use to navigate our relationships throughout adulthood.
The Four Attachment Styles Are:
Anxious (preoccupied)
Avoidant (dismissive)
Disorganized (fearful-avoidant)
Secure
Bowlby also listed three main influences that affect the development of our attachment styles:
Consistency
Children build trust and confidence as their caregivers consistently show availability to meet their needs.
Confidence
Infancy, childhood, and adolescence are critical learning periods, therefore the confidence formed during that time tends to remain relatively unchanged for the rest of a person’s life.
Expectations
Children develop expectations and predictions for the future based on what they’ve experienced with their caregivers in the past.
Source: Very Well Mind
Now let’s run through each attachment style; what they are and how they come to be…
ANXIOUS
Anxious attachment develops when a child lacks the consistent attention and care needed from its caregivers. This can lead to developing low self-esteem, clinginess, and a constant need for reassurance from future partners. Individuals with this attachment style fear abandonment and depend on intimacy for emotional satisfaction and regulation.
Unlike general anxiety, which can be a guide for you to set boundaries or avoid misaligned environments, anxious attachment involves an inability to be alone. A secure person leaves unhealthy situations knowing they can find better, but an anxiously attached person may stay with an incompatible partner out of the comfort of having someone.
AVOIDANT
As children, avoidants might’ve been punished for expressing vulnerability, ignored when seeking comfort, or lacked emotionally intelligent role models. They learn to stop seeking the emotional support they lack, becoming uncomfortable with intimacy and struggling to identify, regulate, and express their feelings.
Avoidant adults have superficial relationships that lack emotional depth. They can appear very independent and self-sufficient, often believing that love and emotions are unnecessary. This attachment style favors casual sex and short-term relationships, distancing themselves as things become serious.
Anxiety is the root of the issue as avoidants run from intimacy because they don't know how to handle it. Initially, these partners may seem eager for it but fail to maintain consistency with their efforts. The fear of letting someone in is too overwhelming, so they use excuses and become unwilling to compromise or change for the relationship.
DISORGANIZED
The disorganized attachment style is believed to be a consequence of childhood trauma or abuse, when a child’s source of safety also becomes a source of fear. Moments of safety become unenjoyable, the caregiver’s actions become unpredictable, and the child learns they cannot rely on them to meet their emotional and physical needs. These children will seem dazed or confused as they become unable to adapt.
People with a disorganized attachment style can be extremely inconsistent and confusing in their behaviors as they display both anxious and avoidant tendencies. They seek out loving relationships because they crave to feel closeness and be loved, but tend to engage in toxic and self-sabotaging behaviors in order to push their partner away.
Disorganized attachments have a deep fear that the people closest to them will hurt them, so while they act avoidant, the difference is that they want intimacy whereas an avoidant does not.
SECURE
Bowlby identified 5 requirements for raising a secure child:
The child feels safe
Caregivers give children the space and freedom to explore the world, but stay close enough to protect, correct, and reassure them if needed.
The child feels seen, known, and understood
Attuned caregivers can read their children’s cues and respond to their needs accurately. This responsiveness builds trust and intimacy with children, teaching them that they can expect a prompt, predictable, and accurate response.
The child feels comfort, soothing, and reassurance
Guiding children through identifying their emotions and managing their distress will provide them with a blueprint for self-soothing in adulthood.
The child feels valued
Caregivers who praise their children for who they are rather than what they do create the initial sense of value in a child and lays the foundation for healthy self-esteem development.
The child feels supported to explore
Children develop a strong sense of self and autonomy to discover, experiment, succeed, and fail when their caregivers display faith in them, are deeply involved in their lives, and provide them with space to explore.
People who have developed this type of attachment are self-contented, social, warm, and easy to connect to. They’re in touch with and able to express their feelings. They also build deep, meaningful, and long-lasting relationships.
Sources: Wikipedia, Attachment Project, Brianna MacWilliam, Very Well Mind
While there is no question that our earliest relationships play a role in the development of our adult attachments, there is still a chance that they might shift.
So what if you want to become more secure? What can you do?
How Can We Heal?
Transitioning from an insecure attachment style to a secure style is a journey of self-discovery and growth that brings immense rewards including healthier, more fulfilling connections with yourself and others.
The transition demands real effort, compromise, open communication, and a willingness to change. While it's possible to navigate and harmonize these differences, it's equally crucial to acknowledge when a relationship isn't right for you. True healing involves understanding your needs, setting boundaries, and being brave enough to walk away if necessary.
Here are some ways to facilitate this healing process:
Self-Reflection and Awareness: Take time to understand your attachment style and recognize patterns in your relationships. Journaling, therapy, or reading about attachment theory can help you gain insights into your behaviors and feelings.
Open Communication: Foster honest and open communication in your relationships. Express your needs, fears, and boundaries clearly and listen to your partner with empathy and understanding. Learn to validate a partners experience, you don’t have to agree but you are supposed to provide a safe, comforting, and loving environment where they feel understood and accepted.
Setting Boundaries: Learn what your wants and needs are in a relationship and how you want to be treated so that you know when to step away from a relationship. This ensures that your needs are met and your energy and effort are being reciprocated.
Be Reliable: Build trust gradually by being consistent, transparent, and following through. Trust is a cornerstone of a secure attachment style and takes time to develop. Dont overpromise or introduce someone to a vibe you cannot maintain.
Self-Care Practices: Learn to self-regulate by prioritizing engaging in activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Regular exercise, healthy eating, adequate sleep, and hobbies can contribute to a more balanced and secure sense of self. You can also use methods you learn to help co-regulate your partner from a place of love and generosity at necessary times.
It's important to recognize that having insecure or different attachment styles doesn't mean a relationship is destined to fail; instead, it's an opportunity for mutual understanding and growth.
By incorporating this information and these practices into your life, you can gradually shift from an insecure attachment style to a secure one, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
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