Sacred Sunday: From Pleasers to Caretakers
Identifying Your Role in Relationships for Healthier Connections
Hello, my Divine Tribe!
I hope this Sacred Sunday finds you grounded, at peace, and feeling all the love and compassion you deserve!
As we journey together through these reflections, I’m always reminded of how complex our relationships are—and how much they can teach us about ourselves. Lately, I’ve been asking myself some big questions, peeling back layers of who I previously thought I was in my connections with others.
And here’s what I found: turns out, I might not be the “people pleaser” I thought I was. For years, I wore that label like a heavy badge, believing my worth was tied to keeping everyone around me happy. But what if that’s only part of the story?
Recently, I’ve been diving deeper and discovered that the roles we play in our relationships are far more nuanced than I imagined. Beyond just ‘pleasing,’ we might find ourselves matching, managing, or even caretaking—often without even realizing it.
Today, let’s unravel these roles and start recognizing the patterns we might unconsciously live by, all in the name of connection.
Through Jenna Dayle, a codependency mentor I found on TikTok, I learned a little bit more about the range of codependency. She used characters from different sitcoms to provide well-known examples of the 4 types of people-pleasers.
Feel free to watch below, but I’ll also break everything down to help you identify which—if not all—of these characteristics resonate with you, especially if you've always thought of yourself as a people-pleaser.
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Before I break it down, let’s go over what being a people-pleaser entails.
Some believe that being a people-pleaser is an overall good thing; you care so much about others that you just want to please them. How could that be bad?
However, it goes much deeper than that, with behaviors that can often be misleading and even come across as manipulative.
The people-pleaser needs to please others for reasons that may include fear of rejection, insecurities, and the need to be well-liked.
-Psychology Today
According to Psychology Today, many people-pleasers carry deep-rooted fears of abandonment, rejection, failure, and loneliness, often tracing back to their early relationships with caregivers. They may have felt that love was conditional—given only when convenient for the parent or withheld altogether due to emotional unavailability. Some learned they had to earn affection, while others faced inconsistent or fleeting attention.
A people-pleaser often operates from a place of needing to be needed. They’re quick to lend a hand, eager to fix issues (or people), and can seem excessively giving. pattern is commonly linked to the Masochistic Personality type, where a person might exude excessive self-defeating behaviors. A therapist can provide support in unlearning these patterns.
People-pleasers often spend a lot of time worrying about how others perceive them. Their actions aren’t driven by love or kindness, but by fear.
I can deeply relate to this. I was raised with what my mother called a “healthy fear” of her. While I understand where that logic came from, therapy helped me realize that this fear evolved into people-pleasing and turned her voice into my inner critic. That inner critic is what I’m trying to please every day.
Driven by fear, I became the “golden child”, the teacher’s pet, the mother and fixer friend and girlfriend, the chronic over-apologizer, and the person who constantly forgave and forgot in silence.
Looking back, I see it was always fear—fear of disappointing or facing punishment, fear of failure and abandonment, fear of not being good enough. And that fear led to anxiety, which spiraled into depression, burnout, and eventually the long road to redirection, recovery, healing, and growth.
The people-pleaser may have traits that include:
Low self-worth and little self-awareness
Accommodates everyone else’s needs
Undermines their own needs
Unable to be assertive
Rarely says no
Highly values praise and validation from others
Takes the blame, when not at fault
Makes excuses for the faults of others
over apologizes, especially when no apology is needed
How Is This Behavior Manipulative?
People-pleasing can turn into a toxic behavior that makes it hard to truly connect with others.
1. Controlling Situations: People-pleasers may use agreeableness and tell little white lies to manage and steer relationships in a direction that is comfortable for them, without conflict.
2. Conflict Avoidance: People-pleasers often seek to avoid judgment or conflict, resulting in a false sense of harmony. Those who people-please typically hide their negative emotions and steer clear of interactions, fearing that they might be the cause of someone else's upset.
3. Creating Emotional Debt: Unspoken expectations may lead people-pleasers to feel resentful if others don’t reciprocate the favors and above-and-beyond approach they didn’t ask to receive in the first place.
4. Lacking Authenticity: People-pleasers may struggle to show up authentically, causing frustration for both sides. They tend to feel misunderstood, unseen, and unheard when really, they hold themselves back from receiving this type of understanding by being inauthentic.
5. Managing Perceptions: People-pleasers may try to control how others see them by changing how they show up in their environment and social circles.
6. Seeking Validation: Acts of kindness may be done with the hope of gaining companionship, praise, or inclusion.
Source: Kate Mansfield
What Are the Different Types of People-Pleasers?
Marci Payne, a licensed therapist in Kansas City, Missouri, also identified four main types of people pleasers.
The True Pleaser (The people matcher in the video)
The Caretaker
The Peacekeeper (The pleaser in the video)
The Manager
Want to find out which one you identify the most with? It could be a combination of them all! Continue reading to find out.
The True Pleaser (People-Matcher)
The true people-pleaser or “people-matcher” mirrors the behaviors of those around them to fit in. They may feel as if they just have multiple personalities (resembling a type of code-switching) when in reality, they lack a solid sense of their own identity and instead adapt to others' to feel a sense of belonging.
They adjust their behavior in hopes of gaining approval, acceptance, love, or a sense of community.
I remember in therapy with my mother, I shared how I was afraid to be myself because I feared she (and others) wouldn't like who I truly was. I often slipped into this role in my relationships and friendships, “liking” the music, hobbies, and habits that my partner or friends enjoyed, even when I didn’t really care for them.
I just wanted them to like me.
The Caretaker
These individuals are the fixers, the nurturers, and the unofficial therapists.
They neglect their own needs to care for others, believing that if everyone else is happy and healthy, they’ll be too. Over time, however, they become overwhelmed and resentful because no one steps in to care for them, a job they neglect to do for themselves. They end up drained and burned out.
I’ve often stepped into this role myself—taking on a motherly role with my sister, a therapist for my friends, and both for my past romantic partners. I felt like I could fix them, but one relationship fell apart when I realized I was seen as more of a mother than a partner. I cared for him so much, hoping to prevent him from falling apart as I watched, but ended up in an unhealthy, codependent cycle.
In another relationship, I constantly uplifted and pushed my partner toward the potential I saw in him. While he healed and grew with my support, I was often left depleted and depressed... this went on for seven years on and off. We even had a conversation once where he admitted that my role in his life was to make him a better person, which is why he’d always come back—not out of true love. I loved feeling needed, but I’ve realized that his internal work is his own responsibility. It’s time for me to focus on building myself up and finding a partner who can equally pour into me as I do for them.
One thing it’s important to acknowledge and take responsibility for is a lack of boundaries and self-respect. Though people-pleasers often fall into a victim mentality, I’ve tried to avoid that by staying aware of my own tendencies and how I position myself in these situations in the first place.
The PeaceKeeper (The Pleaser)
The peacekeeper avoids conflict by never saying "no" or acting in ways that might displease others. They fear confrontation and often neglect their own needs, wants, and feelings. To maintain peace, they might tell small white lies to protect others' feelings, which can ultimately mislead people and create a false perception of who they are. This only adds pressure to continue acting out of alignment with their true self.
At times, the peacekeeper may even minimize their presence, hiding away to avoid stirring up any problems with people who might not like them.
I’ve always been uncomfortable with conflict, especially around my family. I’ve always been able to say no when I really need to, but tend to hide my true feelings about how I'm treated or talked to, fearing it won't be received in the way I hope. This also ties into why I overapologize and am very careful with my choice of words because I don’t want to come off as rude. Being a neurodivergent person though—that still happens sometimes, no matter how careful I am or whether or not it was my intention.
In our family, conflict was often swept under the rug without true apologies or acknowledgment, and we just moved on quickly and quietly. It added to my lack of ability to communicate through discourse as those conversations are just as difficult to have.
In the end, I’d either text or write out my feelings because it’s too hard to say them verbally. Luckily I’ve voiced my feelings about this and over time we’ve all become much better at handling and healing from conflict.
The Manager
The people-manager tries to maintain control over their environment and the people around them to feel safe, often leading with an “I know better than you” mindset—whether they realize it or not. They can come across as controlling, critical, and prone to micromanaging.
Deep down, they believe that having a hand in every situation will ensure a positive outcome, even if it’s not how the other person would prefer it. We all value a sense of autonomy but the people-manager usually takes this away from others. They think things need to be done their way or it will all fail, which leads to resentment and overwhelm, both for others and themselves.
It’s important to recognize that not everything is within our control, and it's okay to release that need. Allowing others to live their lives in ways that satisfy them is key. After all, we wouldn’t be happy if everyone lived according to someone else’s plan.
Source: Marci Payne
The version of myself I’ve worked so hard to heal from mostly aligned with the true pleaser, the peacekeeper, and the caretaker. Now, I’d say I’m more of a manager.
While I’ve worked on my boundaries, healing from abandonment wounds, and overcoming fears of being disliked, I’ve found myself on the other side of the spectrum—so clear on my own identity that I sometimes feel compelled to guide others in ways they might not want me to.
It’s all part of the journey!
Being a people-pleaser, no matter the type, can be hard to recognize and even harder to undo, but it’s not impossible. If you're ready to break free from this pattern, seek support from someone who specializes in healing people-pleasing behaviors from the root.
Be patient and offer yourself some compassion and grace, it isn’t exactly behaviors we choose to have—we learn them.
For me, that journey has involved:
Setting boundaries
Prioritizing my own needs
Finding my identity separate from others (which sometimes includes a period of isolation)
Accepting myself
Practicing self-compassion
Listening to my resentment
Building self-worth and self-respect
Acknowledging any of my own manipulative behaviors, even if unintentional
It’s all about awareness and growth.
Here are some sources to look at:
Ama La Vida Coaching—How to Recover From People Pleasing
Psychology Today—3 Ways to Free Yourself From Chronic People-Pleasing
Avenues Counseling—How to Live in Freedom: Confessions of a Recovering People Pleaser
Clay Behavioral Health Center—13 Ways to Stop Being a People-Pleaser
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