Sacred Sunday: Suffering From Memories

The complexity of how trauma changes the mind, body, spirit and daily life.

“Some people’s lives seem to flow in a narrative; mine had many stops and starts. That’s what trauma does. It interrupts the plot….It just happens, and then life goes on. No one prepares you for it.

- Jessica Stern, Denial: A Memoir of Terror

Photo by Susan Wilkinson on Unsplash

Happy Sacred Sunday divine tribe!💛✨🕊️

These past few weeks I’ve discussed with my parents about my interest in somatic therapy as an optional avenue to continuing my healing journey.

Somatic therapy, also known as somatic experiencing therapy, is a therapy that aims to treat PTSD and other mental and emotional health issues through the connection of mind and body. This body-centric approach works by helping to release stress, tension, and trauma from the body.

Source: Verywell Mind

I’ve tried psychotherapy but often wonder if my disorders are simply symptoms of the underlying issues that I have yet to physically release. Is my body just carrying too much to handle? Is trauma the real reason why I can’t seem to move on from experiences I had years ago?

My mother had graciously ordered me the book The Body Keeps The Score by Dutch psychiatrist, author, researcher, and educator Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. and I’ve been diving into it for the past two weeks. (Thanks mommy!💛)

As I delved into the book, I began to realize the multitude of ways in which I've grappled with trauma, yet simultaneously denied its existence. The impact of trauma endures across our emotional, mental, physical, and social domains; but the book adeptly reveals the inherent humanity present within both trauma and various mental disorders alike. Rather than simply addressing them as issues to be resolved, Dr. van der Kolk approaches these complexities with a profound sense of compassion.

I wish to dedicate today’s post to emphasizing and addressing a few points from my notes thus far: aspects that our society may still overlook, topics we tend to shy away from discussing with transparency, and the ongoing shortcomings of the medical system in properly diagnosing and treating patients with compassion at the forefront.

🚨Trigger Warning🚨

This post mentions topics such as suicidal thoughts, sexual assault, self-harm, physical abuse, child abuse, and domestic violence.

QUOTES

“I was also struck by how little attention was paid to their accomplishments and aspirations; whom they cared for, loved, or hated; what motivated and engaged them, what kept them stuck, and what made them feel at peace—the ecology of their lives” pg. 24

Dr. van der Kolk often sheds light on the dispassionate medical model between patients and doctors throughout the book. The medical professionals he worked under frequently prioritized diagnosing mental disorders and prescribing medication as treatment, neglecting to dive deeper into understanding their patients on a more personal level. They overlooked the underlying causes and traumas that often intertwined with their patients' personal lives.

“Being [his] curious immigrant self”, Dr. van der Kolk frequently took the initiative to inquire about more personal aspects of the patient's lives. Many recounted stories about their past, marriages, children, and friendships, visibly brightening up in ways he hadn't witnessed during their interactions with other doctors simply because those topics were rarely raised.

“The quiet of the night seemed to help them open up, and they told me stories about having been hit, assaulted, or molested, often by their own parents, sometimes by relatives, classmates, or neighbors. They shared memories of lying in bed at night, helpless and terrified, hearing their mother being beaten by their father or a boyfriend, hearing their parents yell horrible threats at each other, hearing the sounds of furniture breaking. Others told me about fathers who came home drunk—hearing their footsteps on the landing and how they waited for them to come in, pull them out of bed, and punish them for some imagined offense. Several of the women recalled lying awake, motionless, waiting for the inevitable—a brother or father coming in to molest them.” pg. 23

At the time of the book’s publishing in 2014, Research by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention had shown that:

• 1 in 5 Americans have been sexually molested as a child

• 1 in 4 were beaten by a parent to the point of a mark being left on their body

• 1 in 3 couples engage in physical violence

• A quarter of Americans grew up with alcoholic relatives

• 1 out of 8 have witnessed their mother being hit or beaten

The impact of these experiences is indeed traumatic, regardless of whether people choose to seek professional assistance. Most Americans today carry these scars, which can influence our social interactions, shape our identities, and even compel us to continue harmful patterns unless we learn to heal and disrupt these cycles.

“Long after a traumatic experience is over, it may be reactivated at the slightest hint of danger and mobilize disturbed brain circuits and secrete massive amounts of stress hormones. This precipitates unpleasant emotions, intense physical sensations, and impulsive and aggressive actions. These posttraumatic reactions feel incomprehensible and overwhelming. Feeling out of control, survivors of trauma often begin to fear that they are damaged to the core and beyond redemption.” pg. 2

“…These changes explain why traumatized individuals become hypervigilant to threats at the expense of spontaneously engaging in their day-to-day lives. They also help us understand why traumatized people so often keep repeating the same problems and have such trouble learning from experience. We now know that their behaviors are not the result of moral failings or signs of lack of willpower or bad character—they are caused by actual changes in the brain.” pg. 3

When I began my healing journey, I embraced the mindset of “faking it till I make it”, but I often wonder if I’m genuinely improving or becoming adept at masking my struggles. With my disorders being high functioning, it can be difficult to distinguish between making real progress and just putting on a good face.

Time and time again, I find myself disheartened and uncertain of my progress because I’ll continue to react intensely to triggers that seem insignificant or have previously “been addressed”. Practice makes perfect, but after almost a decade it sometimes feels like my progress has only been a few steps on a mile-long journey.

I recognize that it’s an old negative mindset attempting to gain back control, and I’ve learned to sit with those feelings until they pass rather than rush to redirect them. I’ve practiced granting myself the time to feel the things I need to feel and defending my right to do so when I’m being guided to rush that process or instead further suppress them. Everyone’s journey is different and I’ve accepted that mine is running on its own schedule.

“One of the hardest things for traumatized people is to confront their shame about the way they behaved during a traumatic episode…” pg. 13

“It’s hard enough to face the suffering that has been inflicted by others, but deep down many traumatized people are even more haunted by the shame they feel about what they did or did not do under the circumstances. They despise themselves for how terrified, dependent, excited, or enraged they felt.” pg. 13

This—this was the part that hit me the hardest.

Reading about the shame experienced by veterans Dr. van der Kolk worked with triggered a memory of an assault I endured while hospitalized. It's something I haven’t shared before and didn't fully remember until reading a few of these quotes myself. Amidst an extreme manic episode, I rationalized the assault as punishment for my actions, excusing the perpetrator's behavior and trying my best to not cause any further issues.

I've also harbored shame for how I’ve treated my family during major episodes, including instances of violence that could’ve harmed my sister and speaking disrespectfully, without filter, to my parents. There was even a time when I stormed out of my step-father's house late at night after an argument, walking miles in darkness until strangers gave me a ride home (thankfully).

I've recently come to realize how the shame I've carried for years has influenced my self-perception and limited my capacity for self-compassion, grace, and forgiveness. Reflecting on why my confidence, self-love, and self-worth were once so low, boils down to past decisions and actions I’ve regretted making during difficult episodes.

I often felt undeserving of help, recovery, and support, and while I readily extended compassion to others, I struggled to offer the same to myself. Despite CLEARLY not being in my right mind during those moments, I still held myself accountable for the actions taken because the person I truly am would never willingly choose such behaviors today.

“After trauma, the world becomes sharply divided between those who know and those who don’t. People who have not shared the traumatic experience cannot be trusted, because they can’t understand it.” pg. 18

Dr. van der Kolk discovered that the traumatized veterans he worked with could not be vulnerable and transparent until he became a part of their unit by gifting him symbols of inclusion like a Marine captain's uniform and a GI-issue wristwatch. Similarly, I’ve experienced a wall I tend to hit when it comes to the constant explanation of who I am, what I feel, and how I choose to grow and heal. I’ve realized that some people may choose to only see me through the lens of my disabilities: depression, anxiety, ADHD; as well as the past mistakes I’ve made. The internalization of that view has affected my self-identity and quickly led me to become more careful with whom I share this information.

What I had to realize was that the judgments I receive are sometimes based on my natural personality rather than the “problems” I carry and that there’s no need to continue internalizing the feelings of people who just don’t understand or accept me. I've accepted my emotional and sometimes dramatic nature, and I won’t label it as "too" anything. I refuse to confine myself to what is deemed “normal” for others when this has always been my norm. My natural personality isn’t something to be fixed. People have loved me deeply and completely for who I am without casting judgment, so I know that the type of acceptance I search for is possible, I’m just asking it from the wrong people.

People will expect your peace, healing, and growth to look a certain way, and not how it specifically is for you. I'm done with the facades and carrying this need to prove myself and my capabilities; they're only preventing me from feeling what I need to feel and enjoying my life to the fullest extent with people who are truly for me. Convincing others of my worth isn't my priority anymore.

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If y’all have any interest in reading The Body Keeps The Score I highly suggest it! It can be helpful for anyone who’s experiencing similar struggles or for those with loved ones who are and would like to further learn how to support them. It truly dives into trauma and other disorders in a way I don’t usually see them being discussed; with humanity, understanding, and grace. He discusses the body-brain connections, the neuroscience revolution, methods of healing from trauma, and much more!

Dr. van der Kolk dedicated the book to his patients who “kept the score, and were the textbook”.

“The lack of literature on the topic was a handicap, but my great teacher, Elvin Semrad, had taught us to be skeptical about textbooks. We had only one real textbook, he said: our patients. We should trust only what we could learn from them—and from our own experience.”