Buckle up, because this might be a 15-20 minute ride read. I couldn’t cut any more out—each detail plays a key role in understanding the bigger picture. In this post, you’ll see how I connect the signs I’ve been noticing and how I’m using these experiences to move forward on this journey.
Before we dive in, I want to extend a huge thank you to everyone who takes the time to read it all, even if it’s in parts. Thank you for giving my voice a space to be heard—or at least read! 💛
These past few weeks have been filled with an abundance of clarity and growth opportunities that I didn’t see coming—insights that have come through relationships, therapy, a funeral I attended, and even a children’s movie (yes, you read that right).
Each experience brought its own unique lesson, guiding me toward a deeper understanding of my destiny, building my confidence, and breaking free from old patterns of self-sabotage. More importantly, I’ve learned how to truly pour into myself and nurture my own worth, instead of waiting for someone else to do it. I’m excited to share these revelations with you and hope they spark something powerful in your journies as well.
Let’s dive in!
Signs I’ve been seeing: blue jays, the color blue, the color purple, 144, 111, 1111, my birth date, black and yellow butterflies, sunflowers, lizards, owls, planes, feathers, gospel music, doves, 333, 777, 999, 411, 911, 555, 1234, 123, nonsense dreams, trouble sleeping, destiny, 420, 711, 231, 132, hawks, eagles, the moon, throat chakra, the empress.
I’ve come face to face with what I believe to be the root of my symptoms.
Of the depression.
The anxiety.
The chronic masking.
The people-pleasing.
The indecision.
The self-sabotage.
It’s quite simple, which is what caught me by surprise the most.
I didn’t feel deserving. And I didn't trust myself.
I use the past tense because, although I still struggle, I'm committed to making a conscious and consistent effort to turn things around, no matter how many missteps or years it takes.
It's all about the journey, not the destination. I plan to enjoy every step I take, trusting that every decision made was meant to be experienced. The purpose of experiencing our lives is to live them authentically and joyfully anyway. I'm just discovering how risky that can actually feel.
But I’m ready to take that leap—wanna join me?
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I’ve been focusing on mindfulness, sitting with my emotions, and listening to my intuition to analyze the patterns in my habits, thoughts, and interactions.
While I've always been self-aware about my confidence and self-esteem struggles, I hadn't considered my inner levels of trust or worth. That’s how I’ve recognized my self-sabotaging habits. I have limiting beliefs that undermine my efforts to achieve my goals and transform my life.
To see a difference, I need to better align my self-talk with the positive affirmations I repeat. Limiting beliefs keeps the cycle of self-sabotage spinning.
Confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem can't be faked; they must be built through action and consistency.
Reading this post reinforced that truth for me and inspired me to take control!
This introspection has finally reached the depth I've sought for nearly a decade. While facing it has been challenging, it’s also been liberating because I now know what to do. I realize it’s up to me, and I’m done waiting. I’m done delaying the necessary work.
I've always had control; I just couldn't—or didn't want to—acknowledge it.
So how did I get here, what do I do now? Let’s start from the beginning…
From my observations, I recognized first that I struggle to accept the things I desire. In fact, I tend to push them away.
It became clear a few weeks ago when I connected with a girl on TikTok. After some exchanged compliments, we set up a first date. Our conversations quickly deepened, and she often shared her big dreams—living in a mansion, traveling by hot-air balloon over the elephant migration, and owning vacation homes in multiple countries. Dreams that, while impressive, weren’t mine.
It’s not that those things don’t sound incredibly nice, I just never imagined myself living that lavish of a lifestyle. My dreams were always simpler—I wanted to become a teacher and be financially stable, get married, have kids, and travel the world occasionally.
I don’t dream of mansions; I dream of affording a one-bedroom apartment, having an emotional support pet, being able to shop and eat out without guilt, and maybe one day buying a modest house with a little land for the family I still hope to have.
She asked me why I didn’t dream as big. Did I not feel deserving? Or was it because I wasn’t poured into enough as a child to believe I could achieve such things? She attributed her ability to dream big to her family's constant support and effort to uplift her, and it made me question if that was my issue.
It brought me back to a familiar wall: How was my childhood? How did I truly feel about my family? Am I dreaming too small? Am I limiting myself because I don’t believe I deserve more? I’m 26 now, is it even fair or effective to put this on my family?
I often find myself comparing my accomplishments to my peers and feel limited. It’s why I often hide away from social media every now and then.
When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see someone capable of achieving her biggest dreams.
Yet, my immediate reaction was to say my parents loved me deeply and gave me so much. I feel guilty even questioning this, as if acknowledging any missteps in their parenting skills cancels out all the good they've done for me.
But while they did an amazing job, they weren’t perfect.
I had to confront that in therapy later that week.
Through therapy…
When my new therapist asks me about my childhood, following the basic protocol, I say, "It was good" and "pretty normal and healthy."
"So why are you here to heal your inner child if everything was pretty good, normal, and healthy?"
….
In my mind, I knew that I had everything I needed growing up—clothing, food, a home, and opportunities to explore my interests. But the love I received often came in the form of tough love and emotional support from afar, which I now recognize as the mirrored methods of how my parents were raised themselves.
They did the best they could with what they knew, but for a sensitive, emotional, and neurodivergent child like me, I was often left feeling unseen, unheard, and simply undeserving of the treatment and connection I desired.
I know for sure my parents told me how kind, smart, and capable I was. But I’m equally as sure that those memories are overshadowed by the times I was reminded how much better I could and should’ve been—less selfish, less lazy, more appreciative, and grateful.
So I tried harder to please them, to complain less, to be more grateful and appreciative, and to be more understanding of their situations. But things became very black-and-white with little room for the grey. My relationship with my parents felt way more complicated to me than it probably seemed.
My therapist taught me that forcing gratitude without healing your wounds first creates a sense of disassociation. You can’t accept your reality and feel your feelings by rewriting your story. This, I believe, is why my healing journey has taken so long and why I look back at my childhood with such internal conflict.
I’ve avoided my disappointment, anger, and sadness, emotions I once labeled as "bad," while placing my parents on a pedestal, as I thought I should. I know it didn’t always seem that way to them, but they stopped being human parents with flaws, but idols to please. And soon after I started seeing everyone that way.
Confronting these feelings challenged the positive image I built of them in my mind and it felt wrong. I’d feel guilty for being ungrateful. A lot of people had it worse, I didn’t deserve to have complaints. And that’s how the cycle continued.
In relation to family dynamics, I just finished The Heart Principle by Helen Hoang as my fun book, and this captivating fictional romance novel was surprisingly therapeutic! It offers an insightful depiction of an Asian woman who's spent her entire life masking under strict pressure from her loved ones and is now finding the courage to break free and embrace her true self (who also turns out to be neurodivergent). I highly suggest it!
Now, as an adult, it’s up to me to break this cycle. And I’m doing so by making space for both gratitude and the raw, unresolved emotions of my inner child. This process is extremely messy and incredibly frustrating, but it’s necessary.
You have to heal the root.
I need to feel all that I’ve suppressed. Otherwise, I fear nothing will ever change.
And it’s important to know my intentions when expressing these things so that I can combat the natural guilt that follows. My goal isn’t to punish or cause pain—it’s to encourage authentic conversations and honor my truth, which thankfully my parents have been very understanding of.
Through a funeral…
What’s divine isn’t always understood. Jesus wasn’t. God still isn’t. But that doesn’t diminish their divinity.
Last weekend, I attended the funeral of the incredible Rev. Dr. Cecilia Williams Bryant. A woman loved and adored most importantly by her family, but also by thousands to millions around the world.
I was blessed to meet her once this past summer, and the warmth and energy I felt from her was unforgettable. I call it divine timing, but she might say destiny. Meeting her felt like fate, and I’ll always cherish having that moment before her transition.
As a prophetic woman, her presence was powerful. It was like a wave came over me once I entered the room. When our eyes met, I felt seen—not just for who I am, but for who I will become. She spoke about my bright destiny and urged me to stay focused and not to get distracted.
I was asked to attend the funeral just the day before, and without hesitation, I packed up and drove to Baltimore. I didn’t even consider my social anxiety or how many people I was about to meet. But I’m glad because this time, the usual sense of overwhelm I felt was actually positive.
At her funeral, I was in awe of the legacy she left behind and the countless lives she touched. Thousands came to give their respects, it was truly a sight to behold.
One thing that stood out to me at first was the ways in which people spoke of her in her youth, ways that mirrored how people describe me now. Like me, her spirit and quirks were sometimes questioned and misunderstood, but she stood strong in her light, following God’s call.
What’s divine isn’t always understood. Jesus wasn’t. God still isn’t.
But that doesn’t diminish their obvious divinity.
Once I started to get noticed, and then asked what I do in life, I found myself panicking. My story isn’t as inspiring…just yet. How do I explain that I’m a college dropout, DoorDashing full-time, dreaming of growing my blog enough to support an independent lifestyle?
I realized I need to stop feeling ashamed. This is my journey, and I made these choices for a reason. The biggest lesson I took from Cecilia’s life is that she took risks and stood in her power. Those risks aligned her with her purpose, the love of her life, the family they created, and the rest of the world that they impacted together.
My first risk may be to show up as I am and own it. Cecilia saw my destiny before, and now I’m starting to see it too. I just need to stay focused, and that’s how I’ll honor her memory.
Sometimes, I think God is surrounding me with people who reflect what I miss in myself—a reminder that I’m here for more than what I may feel capable of right now. Even when I feel unworthy, God makes me worthy. He doesn’t call the qualified; He qualifies the called. Our past doesn’t define our destiny. That’s been determined long before our birth. I need to trust the path I’m on, even when it’s uncomfortable because that discomfort is part of the work.
Interestingly enough, the closing song was the only one I knew by heart: “My Name Is Victory.” It aligned perfectly with the last theme I picked up: knowing your identity.
Telling my friends and family that ive Been waiting for this exciting external change without realizing the change is happening right now. internally. And im finding insight about that through everything, especially the media.
I’m constantly listening to songs that discuss messages connected with this like this song by Amber Mark. Just listen to those lyrics.
Another major channel of insight for me came from watching Rise of the Guardians with my mom and godmother upon my return from the funeral. The movie's heroes—Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and the Sandman—join forces with the newest guardian, Jack Frost, to defeat the Boogeyman, who disrupts the delicate balance of children’s belief in the world.
The guardians’ powers come from belief, and throughout the movie, both Jack and the Boogeyman, AKA Pitch Black, struggle with the fear of not being believed in. Like them, I know my potential but often feel empty due to a lack of belief. But not from others, from myself. Pitch thrives on fear, trying to isolate us in our struggles. But Jack shows that belief in yourself is the first step toward overcoming fear.
I sometimes feel left behind, forgotten, or unworthy, especially as I grow more authentic and people and things exit my life. It reinforces the fear that my true self won’t be accepted or that I’ve taken too long to find her.
But our destinies never escape us.
The movie’s symbolism of taking flight, talking to the moon, finding your center, and rediscovering childlike wonder deeply resonated with me. Santa asks Jack to find his center by sharing with him a Russian doll, with the core being Santa as a child. His center is wonder—the same wonder that he was designed to bring into the world.
I’ve also been hearing planes at moments when I sit in silence with God, asking for clarity on my next steps. The timing always makes me wonder—am I about to take flight, like Jack Frost?
After the movie, I saw a blue jay, and I’ve been noticing a lot of blue lately. At the funeral, though the theme was purple, one woman wore a stunning cerulean blue, a color tied to spirituality and the throat chakra. It represents inner peace, intuition, faith, trust, and confidence—all the things I’ve been working on.
And that was my last big insight for now. So, what is there to do about a lack of self-worth, confidence, and trust?
With the help of some friends, I’ve put together a list of advice for anyone wanting to boost their self-confidence, self-esteem, self-trust, and self-worth.
Let’s commit to ensuring that our futures reflect our growth, not our fears or our past. Let me know how these methods work for you!
Advice I Was Given To Try:
Start with this post for some inspiration!
Inner-child work
Self-reiki
Meditations
Somatic therapy
Root chakra work
Affirmations (Try starting with repeating “I approve of myself” hundreds of times a day to yourself, redirect your inner critic)
Do the things you’re afraid of trying!
Life Coaching
Self-worth reprogramming YouTube videos at night
Learn to trust your intuition by blindly following it—just make sure it’s not your ego you’re following blindly.
PODCAST: I was suggested The EXPANDED podcast by To Be Magnetic twice and thank God I was! I started with this specific episode because of my interest in building self-worth but I learned so much about where my issues could possibly stem from—my interactions with narcissists. Jessica is joined by psychotherapist and narcissistic abuse recovery expert Hannah Alderete to discuss important topics such as:
Identifying overt and covert narcissists in your life and the methods they use to manipulate and condition you.
The effects on children of narcissistic parents.
How people pleasing is a survival strategy to feel safe in our environments.
How to set boundaries with a narcissist and how to release the toxic guilt they cause by punishing you or retaliating for setting boundaries that threaten their narcissistic supply. Yes, these are energy vampires!
Fear of children becoming like their parents, and wondering if they’re becoming narcissists too. (Hint: Most likely the answer is no, it’s just conditioning and guilt for not letting the cycle continue)
How narcissistic parents can lead to an inherent fear of abandonment and success.
Congratulations! You’ve successfully made it to the end. Stretch your body, drink some water, and sit on all that I’ve shared. I hope that this ramble can somehow resonate and that you’ve found some useful insights and advice.
I wish everyone a blessed week ahead, see you next time!
I have not quite finished it all and I will. I love reading this post and can relate to so much at this time. It feels the healing wells, evolving and new perspectives are in a hyper speed right now. I love your shares and am excited to continue reading. I just wanted to say thank you and keep it up!
I have not quite finished it all and I will. I love reading this post and can relate to so much at this time. It feels the healing wells, evolving and new perspectives are in a hyper speed right now. I love your shares and am excited to continue reading. I just wanted to say thank you and keep it up!
💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛