Dropping the Novacane: From Numbness to Acceptance
Navigating the Uncomfortable on the Path to Self-Discovery
About a week ago, I woke up from a strange dream where the only thing I remembered was hiding in an old car while Frank Ocean’s song Novacane played over and over in my mind. I didn’t know why it mattered until yesterday, when I saw that same car while catching up with my dad.
Typically spelled Novacaine, Frank’s mispelling is actually intentional. "Nova" can signify something bright, shiny, or noticeable in the dark, while "Cane" can hint at the euphoric or painful effects of a drug or alcohol, according to a Reddit user. It’s a reference to how we lean on our versions of novacain as crutches, canes that help us keep moving forward, even if only seemingly…
We had just finished our taco lunch when I randomly heard the sound of an old engine rumbling away. The noise caught my ear, but it was the visual that instantly pulled me in. I mentioned to my dad that I remembered that car from my dream, and then it suddenly hit me why I had been hiding in it. The car itself stood for something else, something I had been releasing all day with my dad, especially after the most excruciating but rewarding hike I’ve ever done.
My nervous system begged me to choose an easier trek, but my intuition knew this one held something valuable I needed to discover.
For the past few months I’ve been in a deeply reflective state. Maybe it’s because of my birthday. I guess the maturity finally decided to kick in now that I’m 27. Maybe this is a special preview of how I’ll feel when experiencing my first Saturn return (mine being in Taurus means I won’t get there til 2028, when I’ll be 30, so I’ve got a bit more time than most people my age). Whatever the reason, all these thoughts I’ve been carrying needed to be released, and I hadn’t let them out until yesterday.
The loss of friendships I deeply cherished. Complex family issues. The exhaustion of always pushing myself to be immediately and readily available—not only for my customers who support me, but for everyone. I hadn’t realized how much it’s all been weighing on me mentally, physically, emotionally, and energetically. Through constant headaches, neck and shoulder tension, vivid dreams, and sudden bouts of tears.
It all connects, and it all comes back to the same core wound: I haven’t fully accepted certain things in my life as they are. So, I make excuses for others in the name of grace and understanding, I overextend and overwork, constantly adjusting myself and my boundaries in ways that aren’t sustainable for me. I do it all in the hope of feeling seen, appreciated, and accepted, and I still end up disappointed, lonely, frustrated. I push for growth, for maturity, for healing, and yet the emptiness lingers.
I’ve been obsessed with bettering myself and wanting those around me to not only validate me in that, but I want them to do the same for themselves. It’s like I’m a kid again, still waiting to receive her gold star, a hug, a genuine check-in—anything to confirm that others also see that I’m on a better path, that I’m making the right choices for myself now.
I know I’ve changed significantly. I know I’ve healed and grown. But the better I feel, the more the masks come off, the lonelier it seems to get.
Repost @oracleofyoursoul
“As you grow, the pursuit will teach you numerous lessons about people:
Many will come, not stay.
Some seasons will last years, decades even, before they teach you what you needed to learn.
Your inability to let go will hold you back.
You are not an island but there will be moments when you have to go it alone.
New friends are welcomed when they are in alignment with who you are.
Be proud of the journey. Give yourself grace along the way. Be proud of yourself for seeing it through. “
- J. Wesley
Looking back at conversations, even from my birthday, it hits me that people are still speaking to an old version of me that’s already gone, and it stings. Most people don’t really know me anymore—maybe in some ways they never did, because I didn’t. It started with me.
I’ve never truly felt understood by anyone until very recently, and that’s made me feel like an alien on my own planet at times. Accepting that is the first step toward real, consistent change, and I haven’t fully allowed myself to do that yet. Accepting that maybe I’m just meant to stand out more than I feel comfortable with.
The issue isn’t simply me overextending myself. It’s that I’m still performing, I’m still doing this work with others in mind. Trying to prove that I deserve more, better even, because I’m “better now.” But I was always deserving. I know that. I just wish I didn’t feel like I have to constantly remind myself—or worse, convince myself—of that truth.
It feels like I’m still waiting for “my turn” to start, for something grand to happen, for someone to see me as I really am and love that person fully. To feel chosen, I guess. Not just by Spirit and the universe, but by the people I long for community with. Not for what I do or what I can give, but simply for being me.
I hold on so tightly because I want to be held. And the truth is, I’m still scared to learn how to hold myself first. Breaking this cycle is not easy, but it was never supposed to be. Nothing worth holding onto ever really is. And the greatest change in life comes from loss, comes from being uncomfortable and finding your way through it anyway.
I didn’t realize how much I needed to let out. I’ve been keeping myself busy in ways I didn’t see were really just distractions from the pain that still lingers inside. Becoming aware of these loops makes me want to shut down and, in turn, self-sabotage. But this hike wouldn’t allow it, and neither did my dad. So the tears poured out anyway—my nose runny, my throat chakra opening and clearing, waves of nausea moving through me.
And then I was reminded of Novacane.
It had been looping in my head for days after I had that initial dream. At first I didn’t understand why, until my brain narrowed it down to the line: “I can’t feel, feel, feel her… novacane, novacane, novacane.”
I thought maybe it was a message for my TikTok tarot collective, since we’ve been talking about the need to finally put down certain habits, relationships, and mindsets we cling to out of fear. So I asked myself, what is Spirit really trying to show us here? Is it about a person someone misses? No, it has to be deeper than that. Maybe it’s about becoming too numb. What’s the root of it?
When I looked closer at the lyrics, it clicked. Frank, being the lyrical genius he is, painted the picture of someone using dental novacaine to numb their pain, anxieties, and sorrows so they can enjoy pleasures like sex, partying, and indulgence. However, that localized numbness eventually spreads. Eventually, even the surface-level “pleasures” couldn’t be fully appreciated because they couldn’t be fully felt. The escapes stopped working because they were never real in the first place, just shallow layers of security.
With all the retrogrades these past few weeks, it makes sense why this message has been coming up. We’re in a season designed to force reflection—on past choices, on regrets, on the ways we’ve chosen numbness instead of presence. Exactly what I predicted would happen for the collective in my Tarotscope for this month as well.
Personally, this hit me hard. I realized I’ve dragged my feet on letting go of cannabis, my preferred novacane. I’ve been telling myself that I had to drop it out of necessity, but it was never a true desire of mine until the illusion surrounding why I continued with it started cracking.
And so, here we are, at the end of the song. The end of significant cycles in life. A page ready to be turned if we choose to do so. Or maybe we’ll use our free will to hit replay. Who knows.
Either way, many of us are waking up to the truth that we actually want to feel more, to experience more, to be more. But in order to do so, we have to get out of our own way. Because with the good comes the bad, and if you numb one, you numb it all. And what kind of life is worth living if you can’t truly feel and enjoy it?
What good is it to avoid pain when it’s such an effective teacher and motivator for growth and change? Anger. Sadness. Anxiety. They are all tools pointing us toward a more pleasurable, aligned life. The problem is that we don’t want to see them, accept them, or sit with them. We resist doing the work they demand, the work required to embrace real, lasting pleasure.
Frank even speaks to creatives and artists in today’s society who have become too “automated.” Music isn’t always felt or created in the ways it used to be. Tools make it sound “better” or “cooler,” but often lack rawness. The emotion is diluted. Or with content creation right now, how authenticity is becoming the key to finding success again in a world used to chasing performance and perfection. (Thank you, Pluto in Aquarius.) We’ve treated vulnerability as if it’s too risky. But it’s actually what’s necessary—not just for others but for ourselves.
While sitting, quite uncomfortably, in my own sorrows again, I’m realizing I don’t want to pick up my novacane again. Continuing to slap bandaids on issues that want to resurface for acceptance and healing only keeps me from moving forward, and I’ve been feeling stagnant long enough. If I hadn’t put it down, I wouldn’t have even realized I still felt all these things, yet I would’ve still been affected by it unknowingly.
We’re circling back to the beginning, before we ever picked up our versions of novacane, realizing that things aren’t better just because they make life superficially easier. It’s time to start transmuting and alchemizing all the emotions and feelings we resist into motivation and progress toward the experiences and accomplishments we truly desire. By going deeper into our wounds and learning the lessons they carry, we create real growth.
A lot of beauty and strength can come from the uncomfortable: pain, disaster, confusion, heartache, and loss. What does numbness create but more numbness?
I guess I interpreted the dream and song correctly, because when I awoke this morning, I remembered having another dream with the same car. But this time, I was in the driver’s seat, steering off into a beautiful sunrise. It felt like the world around me had shifted into shades of pink and white—like Frank sang, reminding me that everything moves, everything fades, and that’s exactly what makes it so breathtaking.
Thank you so much for reading The Divine Vitality!
If my stories, readings, and reflections bring value to your journey, inspire, or guide you, I would be truly grateful if you’d consider supporting me. You can become a paid subscriber, book an affordable tarot reading to help me practice and grow, or even offer a small contribution via my tip jar.
My heart for this blog has always been to share love, light, and healing openly, and I deeply desire that everyone who visits here finds something meaningful. At the same time, your support empowers me to keep creating, sharing, and learning as I pursue this as my career. Every bit of encouragement and support is a blessing, and I’m endlessly grateful to each of you for helping make this journey possible.
Thank you for being here💛
This is yet another beautifully woven testimony of revelation and grace. Your tenderness and sensitivity are gifts. Bless you. 💛💛🐢🐢